Gnawing my nails

Ugh.

Thought I hired a wedding planner to take the stress out of planning my wedding. But turns out, it is still stressful since your wedding planner cannot take care of relatives relationships. She can do all the practical stuff, but it's the in-between stuff that's getting to me.

I was looking at the countdown and it's already less than 100 days till I get married. I still haven't gotten anything together... other than I have my dresses and shoes (please emphasize on the 'I' part because the groom's part is completely not ready for I have no idea what suit/tie/shoes he'll be wearing and I also need to take him to the Chinese wedding gown shop the moment he lands to hopefully fit him into a Chinese groom gown :/)

Should have eloped.

The only thing that kept me from it was my love for the 'combing hair' ceremony before I get married and the 'getting the bride' part of in the Chinese tradition. Other than that, I would've chosen to elope. I never had a fantasy about my wedding or getting married because it was instilled in me since I was young that I don't need to have one to have a good family/life. My parents had a lot of headaches with theirs so they never wanted me to go through the same trouble. At the same time, I was heavily influenced by the commercial wedding industry that I 'have' to have it in a certain way. I'm so torn to keep it small but also trying to entertain everyone as well. So to find a balance in between, I chose to have a small wedding/reception (mind you, it's small since it has less than 100 people) but it's still more work than I expected.

Thankfully, while I felt really stressed last week, I stumbled upon a site called 'A Practical Wedding' and their site is full of posts and advice on how to combat these feelings and stay true to yourself. Reading what others wrote about their difficulty to fit into the wedding industry's mold gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone.

Making a to-do list for now to calm myself.